this is it.

Well, this is my last official blog post from the wonderful "land down under". In an attempt to sit down in the few hours before I leave and write about this experience that has completely changed my life, I realize that I barely scratch the surface. An experience like this just cannot be put into words that will do it the justice it deserves. So bear with me, and let's get coffee later. (Although, don't judge me when I make a yucky face or groan when Starbucks is the only option. I am officially a coffee snob. Thank you NZ).

Here it goes. Superficially I have transformed into an:

ambidextrous driving
gluten intolerant
intense hill and win workout-ing
kiwi loving
rugby understanding
sideways rain conquering
legit espresso drinking
public transportation riding
outdoors-ey tramping
geology knowing
NZ English spelling
swine flu surviving
bungy jumping
adventure loving

21 year old girl who feels she has the most valuable "education" of anyone she knows.

On a more "serious" note, my hands shake writing this because every time I think about what the Lord has done in my life and the lives of others around me here, it could bring me to my knees. It is with a heart that has become humbled, sold out, intentional, unashamed, and urgent, that I attempt to put into words how wonderfully my world has been rocked these past 4 months. The Lord brought this passage in Psalm 66:8-10 to me when I was here for about 2 months, and it has been branded on my heart ever since. (NASB version is the best translation for this verse.)

Bless our God, O peoples,
And sound His praise abroad,
Who keeps us in life
And does not allow our feet to slip.
For You have tried us, O God;
You have refined us as silver is refined.

Ever since coming here, everything that I have held dear has been refined by fire. The Lord put that phrase on my heart even before I found this verse. Silver and gold are refined by fire to be rid of the impurities - to make it valuable. Being "alone" here has brought me to a place of surrender, a place where the things of my life and my pitiful views of the Gospel were laid on the altar as a sacrifice for the Lord to refine and use for His glory.

I have offered myself as a living sacrifice, completely open to the perfect will of the Lord to use me as He wishes. And that is scary. But wonderful. So wonderful. Complete surrender is scary - you are giving the Lord ultimate reign over your life - to take you to places you may be uncomfortable with, to knit you with people you have a hard time loving or that are far from the Lord. I wish I could express the JOY in my heart and the excitement that runs in my veins every single day from letting myself go in obedience, and letting the Lord just reign in all areas of my life. He reigns. He is faithful. He will see His children through.

I arrived in New Zealand with a selfish attitude. Where was I going to find fellowship? Why did God forsake me like this? Surely I didn't make the right decision. I remember the morning that I was completely broken about this and I was rebuked by the Lord. The well do not need a doctor. If we are so content in our circles of friends that are safe and continually looking inward focusing on those who are already believers instead of looking at the sick, we should be pitied and utterly ashamed. The Lord has grown me and fortified me in my weakest moments here, allowing me the energy and opportunity to love on others and share His grace. His rare, relentless grace. And he has rewarded me with fellowship with believers and Himself that is uncomparable.

I have learned to love boldly and speak His name unashamedly. The kingdom of God is near. How selfish are we if we continually keep the love of Christ to ourselves, worried about tainting our own spirituality? "Go forth." I think it is more damaging to our spirituality and relationship with the Lord when we aren't sharing His love. Most of the time, the people that need to hear about the grace, love, and redemption Christ offers freely are not in the church! Please don't mistake me - fellowship is important, vital. It is when we become content in our standing and seeking shelter in the church, scared of the great big outdoors, that it becomes extremely dangerous. If the Lord is on your side and you are working in His Name, he is beyond faithful to strengthen you, provide you with words, and walk beside you daily. I promise.

Possibly most surprising of all, is the fact that I have not lost unbelieving friends here once they find out that I am a Christian. I can't believe that was what I was scared about the most! I laugh at it now. It has been so neat to talk to my running buddies and other friends about situations in their life and be able to give them my perspective - the Lord's perspective. I realize how sheltered I made myself at home. How content I was within the walls of the church. I have more unbelieving friends from just this experience than I have ever had. How pathetic. How motivating.

I have also learned that we must always be prepared to share about the hope that we have. This has led me to reread through the Bible and have His glorious Name on my lips daily. He is what I think about when I rise and the last thing I think about when I go to bed. His words are written on Post-It notes all around my room, His word is hidden in my heart (and used frequently), His praises on my lips frequently, and His infalliable word is a light onto my path daily. He is our true fellowship, true satisfaction, true love. He is worthy, faithful, compassionate, and strong. His love is absolutely enough for us - in our darkest valleys and on top of our highest mountains.

"In conclusion" (I have learned that you get points taken off essays if you don't write this phrase), I find it fitting to propose a cyber-toast to my time here. Here's to losing yourself on the busy city streets. Here's to letting your "education" take the backseat for once and enjoying the things that are more important. Here's to freedom - the kind that makes you want to dance in the middle of the street in the sunshine when everyone is watching or jump 8 feet off a wharf into freezing cold water. Here's to spending a crazy night with friends. Here's to hailing your own taxi. Here's to running the race. With dilligence. Here's to knitting in a corner in an attempt to observe in a classroom. (Thank you Steiner Schools!) Here's to loving on people the world thinks of as 'unlovable'. Here's to doing things that "scare" you on a regular basis. Here's to being completely out of your comfort zone 85% of the time.

Thank you all for going on this journey with me. Your support, prayers, and love were never taken for granted, and appreciated more than you will ever know. I love you all.

Cheers.